Meet Dianne Phoenix
Dianne has worked for Battered Women Crisis Counseling for twelve years, Battered Women Hotline for nine years, and Battered Women’s Safe House for approximately nine years.
What made you decide to work with battered women?
It was during a time when I wanted to do more than go to work; I had volunteered for different activities all my life. I was guided to work for Battered Women’s Services in San Diego.
Was there a moment that stood out to you?
I worked for them for 12 years in a volunteer capacity and as an employee. The program was a crisis program. The women struggled with depression and fear, some with children, some with addictions and physical injuries. This was consistent when I worked for Battered Women’s Services, so no moment stood out.
You started as a volunteer crisis counselor and then moved to a safe house attendant and hotline counselor. What did each position entail, and was there a significant impact on the women in one position over another?
I started as a crisis counselor, meeting women in group settings when they felt particularly threatened. For many, it was one time only. In others, attendance was once a week for some time.
All positions entailed talking with the ladies and referring them to available resources.
The most significant impact for groups was identifying the type of abuses they were experiencing and possible solutions. Some were referred to safe houses. Others were sent to collaborating organizations outside of the city for their safety.
I asked you what you learned from working with these women, and you said this: “Often these ladies go back. It’s like an addiction.” Can you explain this further?
Besides basic needs, love is the most critical aspect of our lives.
We humans try to get the love from the person who refused it.
People we meet during our lives become the stand-in for the person who refused to love us. It can become a never-fulfilling quest. If they could get the love from that person (or their representative) they believe, they would finally be loved.
What do you find was your strength in dealing with battered women?
Prayer.
Abused people and people who live in fear can themselves become hostile and abusive. There was strength in me I never knew I had. At a meeting at the beginning of my service, I thought these women would eat me alive if I did not find strength.
The desire to help and, fortunately, the help of those who worked around me helped tremendously. The strength I discovered then would grow for the rest of my life.
What will you be offering our readers?
Hopefully to give themselves time to heal and to learn to trust themselves. There are some things you cannot rush.
As a trauma specialist, you were used to relieving anxiety and stress. Whether someone is abused or not, will you offer these tips on our blog?
Although I have not received certification as a trauma specialist, I had terrific training through the organization where I volunteered and worked. Yes, I will offer these tips on your blog.
Do you have any relationship tips?
Take your time. You are the common denominator. Take care of yourself. You are the best gift you can give to yourself or anyone else. Apply what you want in a friendship to yourself and others. Know also that life changes, so adapt when necessary.
How do you know someone has your best interest in mind when establishing new relationships?
Respect for you, good communication skills, or at least attempts to communicate well with you; your goals and boundaries are respected. “Ten Signs of a Healthy Relationship” identifies additional tips for identifying a good relationship. https://www.waldenu.edu/programs/psychology/resource/ten-signs-of-a-healthy-relationship.
Did the battered women you worked with have children? And how did the children fare?
Most of those in the safe house brought children with them. Most of the children I saw were noticeably quiet.
An example of the effect abuse can have on children is one family’s boy, about ten years old, who had emulated his father’s abusive behavior so thoroughly that the safehouse administrators had to ask the family to leave.
How were children serviced in the battered women program?
The program did not address children’s issues as the entire program was a crisis, short-term program. Some of the solutions included getting the family to another city as soon as possible for their safety, and in doing so, mental health issues could not be addressed.
What tools do you have for the children on our blog?
Unfortunately, I do not have any tools for children. I believe my daughter grew up well-adjusted. But my parenting style was that I knew what not to do. That left what I wanted to do to be the opposite.
You believe self-care is essential. Why is that, and will you offer self-care tips?
Take time to rediscover yourself.
Start new hobbies or return to old ones. Listen to yourself and your emotions. Ignoring negative emotions can cause them to grow and appear when least expected.
There are wonderful articles for healing from a breakup at https://www.unh.edu/pacs/break-ups-how-help-yourself-move.
For breakups from abusive relations, https://psychcentral.com/health/how-to-heal-after-an-abusive-relationship#takeaway is a source to turn to.
Not every reader has been abused; how will you help them?
The steps identified in my article and referenced articles suit anyone coming out of a relationship.
Healing is required to begin a new and recover from the “mistakes” of the broken relationship. However, healing from a breakup and healing from an abusive relationship is different and must not be treated as a non-abusive breakup.
As a mother, will you be offering parenting tips?
Remember that the partners we choose will influence who your children choose for partners in adulthood.
Support your children, love, respect, of course. Also, if you have two or more children, what works for one child may not work for the other. Each child has a personality, and support should be given to each child according to their personality.
The purpose is to send your child into the world as healthy as possible.
Gear your love and support with this purpose in mind. If you do not know what parenting tip to give, there are many resources to assist. One can be found at https://www.webmd.com/parenting/features/10-commandments-good-parenting
Did you find a connection between stay-at-home mothers and abuse?
Quite a few mothers were stay-at-home mothers. Stay-at-home mothers had fewer resources to support themselves and their families than working mothers and single ladies. This can be a significant cause for her delay in leaving an abusive partner.
What other connections did you discover?
We want to think that since the abusive relationship is over, all is well. Trauma that is not addressed seriously can affect future relationships.
There is work to be done for healing.
What were the demographics of the battered women?
The spectrum was young teenagers, mothers, single women, White families, Black families, Latino families, empty nesters, and elderly ladies.
There is no exception to the demographics of abuse.
For example, one lady who was 72 years old wanted to leave her abusive 50-year marriage. After a long isolation in her abusive marriage, she could not face what she was never prepared for—independence. She returned to her abuser.
You are retired from the battered women line of work. What are you passionate about these days?
Doing whatever the Lord sends me to do. Most of what I have done is teaching and counseling.
You are also big on love and respect in relationships. Can you elaborate on that?
Love and respect go hand in hand with yourself and others.
To love is to know you have the right to be loved and considered as a human being with dignity. You may be different and have different opinions and beliefs, but that does not make you a bad person. Nor does it make someone else wrong.
There are all kinds of parents. What would you say to a parent who is a narcissist?
Very little. It is a personality designed to hurt and possibly destroy the people involved. It is a personality that cannot and will not connect to others.
What do you believe builds confidence in a woman?
Love, support, and belief in herself. A woman must learn independently if family or friends do not support this.
What is most important is to trust what she hears within her psyche.
It is not only right to learn from her mistakes, but it is essential until she finds what works for her. Know that the universe is not her enemy. It wants her to succeed and will send her help when needed.
What builds confidence in children?
Love by showing them they are valuable and support in what they may be interested in. Or help them to find an area or areas of interest.
Parenting is the most important job one can have. Although there are no guarantees, we must never disconnect from our children.
What would you say if you had to write a letter to your younger self?
There will be difficulties, but you will learn from them.
You will make mistakes. They are essential to positive personal growth. And you are not a scum-sucking slug of the earth for making them.
You are stronger than you think and more intelligent than you have been told, and you will discover how beautiful life is.
What positive traits do you possess?
Determination to live, learn, and improve. A sense of humor helps.
Is there anything else you would like to share about yourself?
No. I have already shared more than I am accustomed to sharing.
Thank you so much, Dianne, for your time. We are so honored to have you as our guest writer.
Thank you for the opportunity.